When nothing makes sense, write.

It’s a weird time to write. As a citizen, I feel like there’s a nation I have yet to discover, not just learning names of politicians and voicing my discomfort, my difference, my concern, but having my feet touch the ground in some beach in Bahia or Maranhão, talk to people and learn about what they experience, how they think, who’s in charge and how they don’t see the real situation of people who live outside of the power narrative in the media. There’s a power narrative at home, in the neighborhood, at the bakery. Maybe I shouldn’t be talking about beaches, that’s just how I grew up. There’s land. People own it. The history tells you what you need to know and how it treated people who wanted change. The old discussion is who built these roads. Property over people. Tickets for speed limits, a number of accidents. Brazil is a place I don’t fully understand. They call it a third world country, but I think it’s pretty sophisticated to fire the secretary to hire robots. I remember going to the Andradas Fort. Close to the apartment they offered Lula. I couldn’t walk the other way. Going as far as the Enseada beach made me anxious. I’ve never been to Rio. I was in São Sebastião, once. There was a sand storm halfway there. But my aunt’s been to London. A privileged kid, you’d say. São Paulo, that’s another story. Going up above. We literally say climb up the hill. The Sea Hill. To find what, exactly? Accenture, Google, Goldman Sachs. The United Nations Avenue. Bandeirantes, the stations following the Pinheiros River. Buses to the countryside at Tietê. Paulista and its bookstores, the Gazeta building, the Modern Art Museum, where I’ve never stepped into. I know more about the other corridor. The one that goes up to Republic Station where the rich study or down where the nerds learn you have to smoke weed to pass college. Rebouças Avenue. Did I mention the school from New York? Did I mention the restaurants? Let’s talk about Vila Madalena, where everyone is a fashion icon for a beer commercial. Instead of bikinis, flannel shirts and big glasses. Or was that 10 years ago? I miss that. I miss ordering a bucket. Brazilians do that, all the stories I hear about America that don’t mention Uber are about coffee shops. But look how messed up my perception really is. Yeah, sure. They’re all senior developers who really want to make a difference. We’re not talking about waiters and waitresses yet cause we know we need more stories about who’s doing the dishes and cleaning. But if you’re too sure about that, go back to the bros. We wanna talk business.

I never think about the fact that Brazil has a Venezuelan border. And Brazilians never think about how big Amazonas really is. Well of course it’s big. The forest. Did you know there’s Germans leading research in there? I read it on Vox. They’re American. The other day I was stalking a friend of a friend and found out she’s from the South. Started seeing lots of weird names. They’re all German. Here’s a name I’ll keep thinking about: Fernanda. Nothing European about her, she’s a very coherent person, it seems. Definitely hard working. Organized more things than you can imagine. I think I never thought about the obvious stuff, like my friend who’s in politics for real, in the buildings, on camera, with staff, with the megaphone earlier. My friend from Liberty Street. I know four people there. One of them is gone. And I’m not yet thinking about the time when I got relieved at the back of the church. Birth Street. We have interesting names. Like the road that goes from the North to the South Coast, BR101. It’s just a recurring thought: how did they do it? You’re telling me the work was starting all that from nothing? Can you imagine how many people died? I get tired peeling off potatoes; these people made concrete, cut wood and build foundations for an entire continent. But nothing wrong with bragging about cars. Let’s use the horns to protest. It’s funny cause I realized yesterday I had a hole on the back of my foot from walking 10 miles to see my ex every week. I think she’s working a lot. Went to Argentina, Chile. I’m still staying home. Cause if we’re sharing a bed, there’s a chance I’m gonna feel like showing you a video. And that’s an essential problem.

I have other concerns as a citizen. Why companies don’t hire with the Work and Social Security Card. Come here, we’ll put the bill on an envelope. Sometimes, not even that. And it’s all fine. Can you imagine? Half the country is unemployed, but there’s a name for that and it’s not data. Facts? No, this is political discourse. Why don’t you search for the debt to the National Development Bank? If I wanted to be a pessimist, I’d say they’re still paying for the cables that gave us phones almost two centuries ago. Of course not, they’re thinking about 5G. And did you hear? The Chinese have faster internet. Shame they can’t even watch what they want cause they have phones to make. Or is that political discourse again? Yesterday I kneeled for 10 minutes straight, I wonder if it’s because I Googled Ramadan. And did you hear about the bombing at the Saudi oil facility? The journalist? You don’t want to understand cause Brazil might be Christian, but the other president was Syrian. I miss my college classes. They could make me understand that not everyone writes in Times New Roman. But did you hear about Italy? Venice flooded and they took pictures of Louis Vitton bags. But that was something else. I’m more interested in Sweden and Finland, where my friends are from. Cause I totally forgot about the NL. They only have flowers, weed and naked girls riding bikes. Except if you look at TNW. And TNW will be looking at cryptocurrencies forever, one day someone will remember art is beautiful and they’ll let you live. Belguim, they make good beer, it tastes like someone peed on a rusty can and that’s how it should be. And the Swiss. Who’s ever noticed their flag is a cross? They’re busy paying soccer players to manage porn rings and run around every once in a while with tens of thousands watching for some reason. Not the same as showing your private parts for as many people. And all I hear about Africa is they’re trying to start something or they’re still stuck with something. Canada, blame Canada. Cause they think weed should be legal and guns should get banned. Definitely blame Canada. Do I have to pick between Bieber an Alanis? Cause that’s all I know. I also know it’s cold. Like Russia! Totally like Russia, except they still have elections and choose an actual human being. Curious.

To be honest, I don’t know much about Asia. Aside that Singapore has tall buildings. Maybe you can sit with your kid and play spelling bee with countries like Kazakhstan and Turkmenistan. Oh boy, today a random person added me. Can you guess where from? Ends with tan. But seriously, I don’t know much about any country. You don’t aspire to understand entire countries, that’s like running Dow and thinking the trees have to pay to be chopped and used. I’m still talking about citizenship. Aren’t we global citizens? We’re global everything. Globo is a network though. So you need to pick another word or you’ll have to cook whatever Ana Maria Braga likes and agree with the sports commentator. But I don’t wanna say universal. Maybe pretentious. Isn’t that more honest? We’re pretentious citizens, because we don’t even know what being a citizen is. Which is totally a fair thing to say, but depending on how you say it, you sound like the far right. Is it my fault that I’m more focused on being human? Sorry Julia. I wanna fuck you, that’s all there is to it. But yeah, sure. Let me Google all the LG stores in the country even though that makes absolutely no difference in my life except that’s the brand of the phone I bought and can’t use anymore cause I got hacked. Some Indian dude knows how to fix it, but I’m not Indian. I forgot about India. You just read about conflicts and I’m sorry but what can you do? You start thinking if these places have any laws saying what you can say or what you can’t. Women, that’s how crazy I really am. You think Trump is winning the nutjob prize? I’ll cut the nut in slices, grind it, wrap it in paper and smoke it. But I still don’t know how they make silk. And you think I know anything about the material they use to make hardware? It’s not what I need to know. I wanna learn about the primary colors. Please don’t tell me there’s a code for that. Oh man, really? You spoil all the fun. I just wanted to go attend to my perception. No, I don’t think I’m flying to Asia, but I never even thought about it. My friend is in there, though.

You know, I think that’s why we try to focus on people. What do I know about industries? Borders? History? Law? I’m a total ignorant. That’s it, I’ll admit it, I’m a complete fucking ignorant who hears a smart, rich person on TV and thinks they’re gonna pay for your new underwear. No, I’m wearing the same I had 10 years ago, the elastic is completely used up and I have to pull it over or walk on the street with my hands on my pockets so they won’t fall. And I have to read about a naked king? Come on. Oh yeah, the Olympics. We’ll see. We’ll see about Biden. Or will we? Oh, today is Thursday? Forgot to clock my hours. Is this what you want? Is this why you wanna learn English? Is this why you wanna use the internet? Is this why we’re here? Anything in between, just let me have food to eat and a roof to sleep under. That’s it. I’m actually interested in the countries and the people, I’m interested in some of the history of the conflicts, I want to know the culture and cuisine, I want to hear stories, to watch movies, to talk, to tell you hey this is true beauty. That I haven’t seen a smile like that anywhere in the world. And to hear how you think that’s flattering, remember your reaction when I wake up. I want you to go like “Brazil, the country fighting the remains of fascism?” “Brazil, where feminists take to the streets?” “Brazil where the butts are bigger?” “Brazil where men are sexually open?” But maybe I haven’t fought too many people who are actually evil. Maybe I haven’t said I want a girl to take care of, not to unload in. They don’t have to be big. And I’m tired of sexualizing everything. I’m really tired. I just wanted someone by my side. Stuff I can laugh about. A vibe. Do something meaningful. Make friends. Not be depressed every day I turn on the TV. Maybe it’s the place. Maybe it’s part of the people, it’s okay to need distance. But I can’t fix an industry, I can’t pay a nation’s debt, I can’t tell everyone who has a dick to stop touching it and being nasty. I can’t make people obey, not because it’s me, but because someone wrote it down. So I’m just going to sleep. And maybe tomorrow I’ll learn something new.

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